This blog is a documentary of my life. Although it may not be all glam and great, but I have my fun times too. And I would like to share it with you guys! The lessons I've learnt, the experiences I've had, and the life I've led. Stay if you want to know more about me! ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀

: sheryl, 16, 20.03.97, singaporean.
Email | tumblr | twitter | youtube | ask me

"Nostalgia is a side effect of dying." - The Fault in Our Stars (John Green)

• I miss you.
• Expectations | Reality
• Just a little too not over it
• Maybe
• Updates
• Gone but still here
• Finally 17
• NPP Journey
• A New Family
• Grades and results

"I think I've hit a rut in my life where I dont know where I'm lost in the misconceptions of what makes me happy, what my dreams are, and where I'm gonna go from here. It's one of those days where I walk idly with a vague notion to find something that, in the end, will never find me. "

I'm a perfectionist. I like things in place, I like things clean, I like when things go according to plan. I like to finish work as soon as I get it, I like to nitpick on all the small things, I like to do work my way because only then I'll be satisfied with it. Slowly, people recognise me as a perfectionist. And I take pride in being able to show them so. But who's to say what's perfect? There's no perfect in life, try as hard as I may, I know that perfect will never be. The only time where I find things perfect, is when I know I have done something that is hard to achieve, yet possible. I push myself in any way to get to there, to do things others won't and can't. I guess that's what striving for perfection is. A GPA 4.0 is one of those things. It's hard to achieve, some people won't fight for it, some people can't, but I believed I could. Not anymore. I tried, and I feel like I've failed, like I've fallen short of perfection. 

You're right when you say that my idea of perfection is defined by others. That's me for you. I live off people, their happiness, their sadness, their perceptions of me. I like being accepted, that's the brutal truth. That's why I admire people whom can just disregard others. I can't. I care, way too deeply, for anyone and everyone. Society thinks that a 4.0 is perfect, so I think a 4.0 is perfect. Half right I would say. We all study to score the best possible GPA, correct? And the best is 4.0. If everyone could, they would aim for a 4.0. Because eventually, people will look at your score, that's the harsh reality. So I don't think it was wrong for me to aim high. 

Somehow I feel like I could have done better, I could, if only I knew. I feel like I've made really stupid mistakes, that's why I feel so upset with myself, and I feel this tinge of regret. Did I really try my best? I don't know, because I often feel like my best isn't enough. And I feel uncomfortable settling for less. I'm dreading the day I have to, because I will be so disappointed with myself. I think eventually I would have to come to terms with it, but it'll never be something I'm proud of. And then you'll ask, why I am coming down so hard on myself? Because I just want to make something out of myself. 

You asked me, "Don't you want me to be someone capable? Someone who goes out and makes connections and have real friends instead of living under a rock all the time? Not just a boy who knows how to make you laugh and make you happy?" You too want to make something out of yourself, right? We all have dreams. I want you to be able to achieve your dreams, yes. I support you and at the same time, I feel happy for you. But you know what sucks? When you're chasing your dream without me. I feel lost, stuck sitting on the ground while I watch you take flight. All I can do is wait for you to come home.

As of now, what I want my future to be has be altered to suit yours. What I've never been able to say to you is that: I gave up on all of my dreams because of you. I know you never told me to, nor would you ever want me to. I never meant to, but unknowingly, I did. Because you became such a big part of me, I felt like I lost part of me. I love dance, you know that. Yet I gave up two big events so I could spend more time with you. I know if I wanted to, you would have let me, and you would have supported me, and i'm not blaming youAt the same time, you'll be upset, won't you? You don't understand dance like I do, and you won't understand how getting injured from dance is something I take pride in. I'm not blaming you for having to give it up. I would give it up, because its you. I wanted to pursue a career in the media as a prominent figure, did I ever tell you? As a celebrity, as an influential figure, so that I could influence more people with my ultimate aim, to use media for the good things. I stopped pursuing that, because I remember how you told me its sad to have your life watched over by the world. There is no privacy. You like a quiet life. Where it's just us. And after more thinking, I agreed with that. So I gave that up too. Originally, I wanted to go to Australia to pursue my degree in future. But now, all I think of is waiting to see where you'll go, and follow you wherever you go. Sounds foolish doesn't it? I feel pathetic honestly. I'm afraid to do anything, less it make you upset, or you'll disagree with it. You always ask if you are too protective of me. How am I to answer that when ultimately, you mean good and are trying to protect me? I understand too, what a gullible and innocent person I can be, unfazed by the scary world ahead, still thinking the best out of everyone, easily getting myself into dangers and being made used of, making you worry everyday. So I let you protect me. You've been nothing but nice to me, and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I am so blinded by you, really, that I love you too much to say no to anything. 

I don't know when, but at the very end, what I want to achieve is what I told you, to use media for good. That goal of the dream stays the same, from day 1. As for the platforms to achieve it, the paths towards it, the smaller dreams before it, they have changed drastically. Not only that, they are constantly changing, that I feel disturbed by it, because I like stability and a fixed plan. But you, you believe in change. You embrace it. But right now, I'm frightened it, and I think you don't quite understand why. Because in all the change, I'm getting whirled into a black hole, where I don't know how to get out, I don't know where to go. 

Honestly I'm feeling more depressed than any point of my life. I feel unmotivated, sick and tired of trying so hard for life. But I've got to stop depending on others to pick me up. Yes I like it when people care for me and show love for me, it's one thing that always cheers me up, but I can't always depend on external sources that may/may not be there for me. And that includes you. I don't know if you know, but we've been hitting a rocky path these few days. Maybe you don't know, because I've been keeping everything in, with your finals coming, and with you wanting to spend more time with your bros, I don't dare to say I need to talk to you, or I want to see you. It's not your fault for being busy, so don't worry about it. More or less, I've gotten used to it. But the thing is, i'm afraid to say I need you. 

Now I have to be patient, to let everything tide over and smoothen out by itself. Then I have to do this alone, to find my path again. You can be there at the end as a motivation and shine the light over to guide me, but I have to stand and walk on my two feet. 

"I think I've hit a rut in my life where I dont know where I'm lost in the misconceptions of what makes me happy, what my dreams are, and where I'm gonna go from here. It's one of those days where I walk idly with a vague notion to find something that, in the end, will never find me. "

I'm a perfectionist. I like things in place, I like things clean, I like when things go according to plan. I like to finish work as soon as I get it, I like to nitpick on all the small things, I like to do work my way because only then I'll be satisfied with it. Slowly, people recognise me as a perfectionist. And I take pride in being able to show them so. But who's to say what's perfect? There's no perfect in life, try as hard as I may, I know that perfect will never be. The only time where I find things perfect, is when I know I have done something that is hard to achieve, yet possible. I push myself in any way to get to there, to do things others won't and can't. I guess that's what striving for perfection is. A GPA 4.0 is one of those things. It's hard to achieve, some people won't fight for it, some people can't, but I believed I could. Not anymore. I tried, and I feel like I've failed, like I've fallen short of perfection. 

You're right when you say that my idea of perfection is defined by others. That's me for you. I live off people, their happiness, their sadness, their perceptions of me. I like being accepted, that's the brutal truth. That's why I admire people whom can just disregard others. I can't. I care, way too deeply, for anyone and everyone. Society thinks that a 4.0 is perfect, so I think a 4.0 is perfect. Half right I would say. We all study to score the best possible GPA, correct? And the best is 4.0. If everyone could, they would aim for a 4.0. Because eventually, people will look at your score, that's the harsh reality. So I don't think it was wrong for me to aim high. 

Somehow I feel like I could have done better, I could, if only I knew. I feel like I've made really stupid mistakes, that's why I feel so upset with myself, and I feel this tinge of regret. Did I really try my best? I don't know, because I often feel like my best isn't enough. And I feel uncomfortable settling for less. I'm dreading the day I have to, because I will be so disappointed with myself. I think eventually I would have to come to terms with it, but it'll never be something I'm proud of. And then you'll ask, why I am coming down so hard on myself? Because I just want to make something out of myself. 

You asked me, "Don't you want me to be someone capable? Someone who goes out and makes connections and have real friends instead of living under a rock all the time? Not just a boy who knows how to make you laugh and make you happy?" You too want to make something out of yourself, right? We all have dreams. I want you to be able to achieve your dreams, yes. I support you and at the same time, I feel happy for you. But you know what sucks? When you're chasing your dream without me. I feel lost, stuck sitting on the ground while I watch you take flight. All I can do is wait for you to come home.

As of now, what I want my future to be has be altered to suit yours. What I've never been able to say to you is that: I gave up on all of my dreams because of you. I know you never told me to, nor would you ever want me to. I never meant to, but unknowingly, I did. Because you became such a big part of me, I felt like I lost part of me. I love dance, you know that. Yet I gave up two big events so I could spend more time with you. I know if I wanted to, you would have let me, and you would have supported me, and i'm not blaming youAt the same time, you'll be upset, won't you? You don't understand dance like I do, and you won't understand how getting injured from dance is something I take pride in. I'm not blaming you for having to give it up. I would give it up, because its you. I wanted to pursue a career in the media as a prominent figure, did I ever tell you? As a celebrity, as an influential figure, so that I could influence more people with my ultimate aim, to use media for the good things. I stopped pursuing that, because I remember how you told me its sad to have your life watched over by the world. There is no privacy. You like a quiet life. Where it's just us. And after more thinking, I agreed with that. So I gave that up too. Originally, I wanted to go to Australia to pursue my degree in future. But now, all I think of is waiting to see where you'll go, and follow you wherever you go. Sounds foolish doesn't it? I feel pathetic honestly. I'm afraid to do anything, less it make you upset, or you'll disagree with it. You always ask if you are too protective of me. How am I to answer that when ultimately, you mean good and are trying to protect me? I understand too, what a gullible and innocent person I can be, unfazed by the scary world ahead, still thinking the best out of everyone, easily getting myself into dangers and being made used of, making you worry everyday. So I let you protect me. You've been nothing but nice to me, and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I am so blinded by you, really, that I love you too much to say no to anything. 

I don't know when, but at the very end, what I want to achieve is what I told you, to use media for good. That goal of the dream stays the same, from day 1. As for the platforms to achieve it, the paths towards it, the smaller dreams before it, they have changed drastically. Not only that, they are constantly changing, that I feel disturbed by it, because I like stability and a fixed plan. But you, you believe in change. You embrace it. But right now, I'm frightened it, and I think you don't quite understand why. Because in all the change, I'm getting whirled into a black hole, where I don't know how to get out, I don't know where to go. 

Honestly I'm feeling more depressed than any point of my life. I feel unmotivated, sick and tired of trying so hard for life. But I've got to stop depending on others to pick me up. Yes I like it when people care for me and show love for me, it's one thing that always cheers me up, but I can't always depend on external sources that may/may not be there for me. And that includes you. I don't know if you know, but we've been hitting a rocky path these few days. Maybe you don't know, because I've been keeping everything in, with your finals coming, and with you wanting to spend more time with your bros, I don't dare to say I need to talk to you, or I want to see you. It's not your fault for being busy, so don't worry about it. More or less, I've gotten used to it. But the thing is, i'm afraid to say I need you. 

Now I have to be patient, to let everything tide over and smoothen out by itself. Then I have to do this alone, to find my path again. You can be there at the end as a motivation and shine the light over to guide me, but I have to stand and walk on my two feet.