This blog is a documentary of my life. Although it may not be all glam and great, but I have my fun times too. And I would like to share it with you guys! The lessons I've learnt, the experiences I've had, and the life I've led. Stay if you want to know more about me! ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀
 : sheryl, 16, 20.03.97, singaporean.Email | tumblr | twitter | youtube | ask me Quote of the week:
"Nostalgia is a side effect of dying." - The Fault in Our Stars (John Green)
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Maybe
written on Sunday, June 1, 2014 @ 12:16 AM ✈
I lay on my bed in the darkness. It’s 2:14am and yet I’m still fighting the demons in my head. I want to push them back so far back, into the deepest corners of my mind, and jail them there, as if nothing had ever happened. But these demons proved too strong as they emerged in my dreams.
The bus stop is filled to the brim with people, yet I am able to spot you from a distance. I run immediately, calling out your name. As if seconds had become minutes, you turned your head slowly…. As I stood in front of you, about a metre away, our eyes met. I looked at my reflection in your hazelnut eyes. There I was, rooted to the ground, frozen in this position where I wanted to hug you. But I knew I couldn’t. My eyes shifted left and right, meeting eyes from every direction. Everyone in the bus stop was staring at us. You took one step back, and another. You waved bye and turned your back on me. Step by step, you disappeared into the crowd, leaving me alone there, my heart crumpling up like a piece of paper as all I did was watch you from afar.
As my eyes fluttered open, I stared through the curtains and looked out of the window.
Pitch black. 4:06am.
Still dark, with thin rays of sunlight emerging. 6:49am.
Bright. 9:28am.
Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.
Maybe I was just in self-denal. It’s a lot worse than what I thought.
My whole world came crashing down as I received the green paper clip.
Even though I knew that it was near impossible that we would be in the same group, some part of me still held on to the faint hope that what I wanted so badly would come true.
Sometimes I thought that if I wanted it badly enough, I would get it.
But life isn’t a wish-granting factory.
It made it worse that we were in the same LT, not really that far apart, yet we had to pretend that we were worlds apart.
I had to pretend that you were nothing to me.
I was never a good actor.
But this time, its the biggest acting challenge ever assigned to me.
As I pretended and pretended, somehow I did feel like I was so far away from you.
Okay, at least I get to see you.
But life just likes to rip away whatever strand of happiness left.
Now it’s ever more unlikely that I would get to see you.
If I can’t be with you, what’s the point?
All my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, dashed like that.
And not just that.
I wanted it, not just because of you.
Because I really really really liked that group.
Even if you weren’t in that group, I would have still wanted it.
And then my mind runs wild.
If only you weren’t my boyfriend, was there a chance that I’ll be in that group?
Was I just placed in another group because of you?
If only you weren’t an exco member then maybe things wouldn’t be so complicated.
We would’t have to hide and pretend like we do now.
People wouldn’t be telling me that I have to be careful, I have to be wise.
I could do any thing I wanted with you and nobody would care.
We could be like normal couples, posting pictures of us on instagram and it would be okay.
I wouldn’t have to be afraid of getting you into trouble.
And people would see me as me first, not just as your girlfriend.
I thought about just giving up.
I don’t necessarily have to go through this.
I rather give up what I wanted and hold your hand outside of all these nonsense.
Not walk by you and let myself die a little inside every time.
I even thought about taking a break from you to see if I could deal with it on a long term basis.
But that would be a stupid thing to do, right?
It would just break both our hearts.
I should hold you even closer by my side while I still can.
You’ve been putting so much belief in us, reassuring me constantly that we can get through anything.
I can’t give up when you’re still standing so strong.
And I don’t want to give up, because I love you.
There may be oceans between us, but that’s not very far.
The story of the lighthouse and the little ship goes on.
Storms may rage and the tides may rise, but love will bring us through.
When the storm has calmed and the tides have fallen, we will sit on the rainbow bridge and gaze into the stars.
Together, forever.
Also, this chance is so hard to come by.
I beat so many other people to get this chance.
They told me, “As long as I get in, I really don’t mind any tribe.”
What they said really opened up my heart and mind.
Here I am, complaining about what I got when others who wanted this spot more badly than me don’t even get a chance.
I’m not going to give up this chance that easily.
If I continue to go down this path for a little longer,
maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.
Maybe, just maybe.
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