m i s s y s h s x

welcome ~

This blog is a documentary of my life. Although it may not be all glam and great, but I have my fun times too. And I would like to share it with you guys! The lessons I've learnt, the experiences I've had, and the life I've led. Stay if you want to know more about me! ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀

: sheryl, 16, 20.03.97, singaporean.
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Quote of the week:

"Nostalgia is a side effect of dying." - The Fault in Our Stars (John Green)

recent update :

Phased

written on Tuesday, February 3, 2015 @ 7:23 AM ✈

"I think I've hit a rut in my life where I dont know where I'm lost in the misconceptions of what makes me happy, what my dreams are, and where I'm gonna go from here. It's one of those days where I walk idly with a vague notion to find something that, in the end, will never find me. "

I'm a perfectionist. I like things in place, I like things clean, I like when things go according to plan. I like to finish work as soon as I get it, I like to nitpick on all the small things, I like to do work my way because only then I'll be satisfied with it. Slowly, people recognise me as a perfectionist. And I take pride in being able to show them so. But who's to say what's perfect? There's no perfect in life, try as hard as I may, I know that perfect will never be. The only time where I find things perfect, is when I know I have done something that is hard to achieve, yet possible. I push myself in any way to get to there, to do things others won't and can't. I guess that's what striving for perfection is. A GPA 4.0 is one of those things. It's hard to achieve, some people won't fight for it, some people can't, but I believed I could. Not anymore. I tried, and I feel like I've failed, like I've fallen short of perfection.

You're right when you say that my idea of perfection is defined by others. That's me for you. I live off people, their happiness, their sadness, their perceptions of me. I like being accepted, that's the brutal truth. That's why I admire people whom can just disregard others. I can't. I care, way too deeply, for anyone and everyone. Society thinks that a 4.0 is perfect, so I think a 4.0 is perfect. Half right I would say. We all study to score the best possible GPA, correct? And the best is 4.0. If everyone could, they would aim for a 4.0. Because eventually, people will look at your score, that's the harsh reality. So I don't think it was wrong for me to aim high.

Somehow I feel like I could have done better, I could, if only I knew. I feel like I've made really stupid mistakes, that's why I feel so upset with myself, and I feel this tinge of regret. Did I really try my best? I don't know, because I often feel like my best isn't enough. And I feel uncomfortable settling for less. I'm dreading the day I have to, because I will be so disappointed with myself. I think eventually I would have to come to terms with it, but it'll never be something I'm proud of. And then you'll ask, why I am coming down so hard on myself? Because I just want to make something out of myself.

You asked me, "Don't you want me to be someone capable? Someone who goes out and makes connections and have real friends instead of living under a rock all the time? Not just a boy who knows how to make you laugh and make you happy?" You too want to make something out of yourself, right? We all have dreams. I want you to be able to achieve your dreams, yes. I support you and at the same time, I feel happy for you. But you know what sucks? When you're chasing your dream without me. I feel lost, stuck sitting on the ground while I watch you take flight. All I can do is wait for you to come home.

As of now, what I want my future to be has be altered to suit yours. What I've never been able to say to you is that: I gave up on all of my dreams because of you. I know you never told me to, nor would you ever want me to. I never meant to, but unknowingly, I did. Because you became such a big part of me, I felt like I lost part of me. I love dance, you know that. Yet I gave up two big events so I could spend more time with you. I know if I wanted to, you would have let me, and you would have supported me, and i'm not blaming youAt the same time, you'll be upset, won't you? You don't understand dance like I do, and you won't understand how getting injured from dance is something I take pride in. I'm not blaming you for having to give it up. I would give it up, because its you. I wanted to pursue a career in the media as a prominent figure, did I ever tell you? As a celebrity, as an influential figure, so that I could influence more people with my ultimate aim, to use media for the good things. I stopped pursuing that, because I remember how you told me its sad to have your life watched over by the world. There is no privacy. You like a quiet life. Where it's just us. And after more thinking, I agreed with that. So I gave that up too. Originally, I wanted to go to Australia to pursue my degree in future. But now, all I think of is waiting to see where you'll go, and follow you wherever you go. Sounds foolish doesn't it? I feel pathetic honestly. I'm afraid to do anything, less it make you upset, or you'll disagree with it. You always ask if you are too protective of me. How am I to answer that when ultimately, you mean good and are trying to protect me? I understand too, what a gullible and innocent person I can be, unfazed by the scary world ahead, still thinking the best out of everyone, easily getting myself into dangers and being made used of, making you worry everyday. So I let you protect me. You've been nothing but nice to me, and every day I wonder how I got so lucky. I am so blinded by you, really, that I love you too much to say no to anything.

I don't know when, but at the very end, what I want to achieve is what I told you, to use media for good. That goal of the dream stays the same, from day 1. As for the platforms to achieve it, the paths towards it, the smaller dreams before it, they have changed drastically. Not only that, they are constantly changing, that I feel disturbed by it, because I like stability and a fixed plan. But you, you believe in change. You embrace it. But right now, I'm frightened it, and I think you don't quite understand why. Because in all the change, I'm getting whirled into a black hole, where I don't know how to get out, I don't know where to go.

Honestly I'm feeling more depressed than any point of my life. I feel unmotivated, sick and tired of trying so hard for life. But I've got to stop depending on others to pick me up. Yes I like it when people care for me and show love for me, it's one thing that always cheers me up, but I can't always depend on external sources that may/may not be there for me. And that includes you. I don't know if you know, but we've been hitting a rocky path these few days. Maybe you don't know, because I've been keeping everything in, with your finals coming, and with you wanting to spend more time with your bros, I don't dare to say I need to talk to you, or I want to see you. It's not your fault for being busy, so don't worry about it. More or less, I've gotten used to it. But the thing is, i'm afraid to say I need you.

Now I have to be patient, to let everything tide over and smoothen out by itself. Then I have to do this alone, to find my path again. You can be there at the end as a motivation and shine the light over to guide me, but I have to stand and walk on my two feet.

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I miss you.

written on Thursday, August 28, 2014 @ 10:07 AM ✈

So it's almost 1am.

I'm lying here in the darkness, but not willing to close my eyes. Instead, tears are flowing from them.

We're supposed to meet at 12 tomorrow, but then you call me and tell me you have a meeting and so we had to push us back to 3. I can't even get angry because it's not your fault. I'm not upset about it, I'm upset about it because I know it's bound to repeat.

Today you got upset because I was busy dancing and out with my friends that I didn't talk to you a lot. It doesn't mean I didn't think of you. It is my fault though, I'm sorry for it. But put yourself in my shoes. For two weeks, this is how I've been feeling. When you've been studying and I don't dare to disturb you even though I miss you, because I know you need to concentrate and I want you to study hard and do your best too. We can hardly talk for some days, and yes I do get a little upset, but then I think again that it's not that you don't wanna talk to me, you have your reasons and you're busy. But as long as I know you're thinking of me and have me in heart, I'm happy to just silently support you. I think I got used to it.

There were so many things today that I know you wanted to tell me. When I finally had the chance to ask you, you were so tired that you said let's leave it for tomorrow. I asked to skype, but you didn't want to either. If I can't make you feel better at the crux, then what's the point? Then again, I know you just want to rest. And yeah you need rest. I understand and I want the best for you too. Even now, I'm supposed to be sleeping but I can't, but I can't tell you either. I don't wanna call you up because you still have a paper tomorrow and if because of me you lose sleep and not do well, then I can't forgive myself.

You know what?

I miss you.

But I know it's just gonna get worse.

And you can't help it either.

I can't do anything but be sad.

I guess I'm being sensitive, don't mind me.

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Expectations | Reality

written on Wednesday, August 6, 2014 @ 12:41 AM ✈

I'm a perfectionist at heart, mind, and ambition. My expectations of myself are always higher than what others have of me. People think I'm crazy sometimes, and honestly yeah maybe I am. But I wouldn't have gotten myself to where I was now if I didn't push myself the way I did. But now I'm starting to realize, maybe I will never be able to reach up to my expectations anyway. I've been facing disappointment and failure again and again, and I think it's more than my heart can take.

It's just that I dont know where I'm going wrong. I tried, and I thought I could do it. Maybe not. Then I comfort myself and say, oh, let's just take it as another learning experience. Well, how many more learning experiences do I have to go through? I'm just so on the verge on giving up on myself. What for am I doing all these? It's just mostly for myself. Nobody else cares as much. They tell me to lower my expectations. Should I do that then? Sometimes I know what I want is impossible, but I try anyway. It's funny, how people say, oh just try, if you never try, you never know. But you know what, each try is a chance used. When you use up all your chances, will you still have chances left? I don't even want to try anymore. I am so so tired. I was never good enough, and I should have never thought I could ever do it.

All my life I've struggled to make myself someone that matters, because I don't want anyone to just overlook me again. So many people have come and gone, as if I didn't matter. But now I just feel myself slipping into the darkness again. Where has my self worth gone? You know what? I don't care anymore.

I'm too tired to keep on fighting for nothing.

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Just a little too not over it

written on Tuesday, June 3, 2014 @ 6:05 PM ✈

Why am I still upset?


I guess it was the high expectations of being in that group. I looked up to everyone in there, I grew attached to them and the group, and I imagined myself in there, for months and months. I guess I was being stupid, expecting something so desperately when it didn't even have a high chance of happening. The higher the expectations, the greater the fall. I took things for granted. I thought I would be lucky enough to at least get something I was comfortable with. I really really don't understand why I enter a group that I'm not the least comfortable with, one that I had a bad impression of, and know thy I'm not suited with. 

Please tell me that this is happening for a good reason, please. I'm really going crazy, not being able to do anything, not understanding why. I get depressed as fuck when I think about how I'm going to be in it for 3 years. True, maybe I don't know how it's really like. Yeah I think I will have a little fun, but I think I could have more in some other group, where I'll feel more at home. I can't face anything related to it anyone without that sinking feeling in my heart. 

Why can't I get over it? Maybe because somewhere, my instincts say this wasn't supposed to be. 

It'll get better right? 
I don't want to expect something good again and then just get crushed by reality.

If only I could do something, but powerless. 
I just have to face it head on.

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Maybe

written on Sunday, June 1, 2014 @ 12:16 AM ✈

I lay on my bed in the darkness. It’s 2:14am and yet I’m still fighting the demons in my head. I want to push them back so far back, into the deepest corners of my mind, and jail them there, as if nothing had ever happened. But these demons proved too strong as they emerged in my dreams.

The bus stop is filled to the brim with people, yet I am able to spot you from a distance. I run immediately, calling out your name. As if seconds had become minutes, you turned your head slowly…. As I stood in front of you, about a metre away, our eyes met. I looked at my reflection in your hazelnut eyes. There I was, rooted to the ground, frozen in this position where I wanted to hug you. But I knew I couldn’t. My eyes shifted left and right, meeting eyes from every direction. Everyone in the bus stop was staring at us. You took one step back, and another. You waved bye and turned your back on me. Step by step, you disappeared into the crowd, leaving me alone there, my heart crumpling up like a piece of paper as all I did was watch you from afar.

As my eyes fluttered open, I stared through the curtains and looked out of the window.

Pitch black. 4:06am.

Still dark, with thin rays of sunlight emerging. 6:49am.

Bright. 9:28am.

Maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.

Maybe I was just in self-denal. It’s a lot worse than what I thought.

My whole world came crashing down as I received the green paper clip.

Even though I knew that it was near impossible that we would be in the same group, some part of me still held on to the faint hope that what I wanted so badly would come true.

Sometimes I thought that if I wanted it badly enough, I would get it.

But life isn’t a wish-granting factory.

It made it worse that we were in the same LT, not really that far apart, yet we had to pretend that we were worlds apart.

I had to pretend that you were nothing to me.

I was never a good actor.

But this time, its the biggest acting challenge ever assigned to me.

As I pretended and pretended, somehow I did feel like I was so far away from you.

Okay, at least I get to see you.

But life just likes to rip away whatever strand of happiness left.

Now it’s ever more unlikely that I would get to see you.

If I can’t be with you, what’s the point?

All my expectations, my hopes, my dreams, dashed like that.

And not just that.

I wanted it, not just because of you.

Because I really really really liked that group.

Even if you weren’t in that group, I would have still wanted it.

And then my mind runs wild.

If only you weren’t my boyfriend, was there a chance that I’ll be in that group?

Was I just placed in another group because of you?

If only you weren’t an exco member then maybe things wouldn’t be so complicated.

We would’t have to hide and pretend like we do now.

People wouldn’t be telling me that I have to be careful, I have to be wise.

I could do any thing I wanted with you and nobody would care.

We could be like normal couples, posting pictures of us on instagram and it would be okay.

I wouldn’t have to be afraid of getting you into trouble.

And people would see me as me first, not just as your girlfriend.

I thought about just giving up.

I don’t necessarily have to go through this.

I rather give up what I wanted and hold your hand outside of all these nonsense.

Not walk by you and let myself die a little inside every time.

I even thought about taking a break from you to see if I could deal with it on a long term basis.

But that would be a stupid thing to do, right?

It would just break both our hearts.

I should hold you even closer by my side while I still can.

You’ve been putting so much belief in us, reassuring me constantly that we can get through anything.

I can’t give up when you’re still standing so strong.

And I don’t want to give up, because I love you.

There may be oceans between us, but that’s not very far.

The story of the lighthouse and the little ship goes on.

Storms may rage and the tides may rise, but love will bring us through.

When the storm has calmed and the tides have fallen, we will sit on the rainbow bridge and gaze into the stars.

Together, forever.

Also, this chance is so hard to come by.

I beat so many other people to get this chance.

They told me, “As long as I get in, I really don’t mind any tribe.”

What they said really opened up my heart and mind.

Here I am, complaining about what I got when others who wanted this spot more badly than me don’t even get a chance.

I’m not going to give up this chance that easily.

If I continue to go down this path for a little longer,

maybe it won’t be as bad as I think.

Maybe, just maybe.

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Updates

written on Thursday, May 22, 2014 @ 8:56 PM ✈

Hello all, yes it has been an eternity since I’ve blogged. Mostly because I am way too lazy to, so I am sorry about that! A lot of things have changed for me since I’ve entered poly, so here is what I have to share with you.

I’ve changed. Being in Mass Comm really changed worlds for me. Dressing well is a necessity, rather than a priviledge now. I do get stressed up over what to wear everyday, but it’s something you’ll learn to deal with when you come to poly. When you sit in an FMS lecture, you will see hats of all kinds, from beanies to snapbacks to fedoras, clothes from one extreme to the other, from sweaters to mini skirts to maxis. And the biggest thing? I talk to literally anyone now. I can approach a complete stranger and hold a conversation, I can smile at faces that I’ve only seen once, and that’s okay. That’s how much I’ve opened up. Wherever I go in the school, I always see someone I know. I don’t go a day walking up/down the hill without recognising someone. I’ve also gotten used to the hugging culture, where I just automatically walk into hugging a guy friend.

One thing that I still haven’t gotten used to is the amount of families there are in poly. I have so many whatsapp groups that it’s killing me. I literally can’t live with my phone, because everyone is connected to me through those groups.

Schoolwork wise, I am actually really slack. My semester now is actually 1.1, which is the more basic and simpler out of the two. Plus, I only have 3 modules currently as I drop one from DPA, and 2 from media studies. You can call my life shiok. Also, FMS isn’t like some of the other schools where we have pre-tutorial activities, and our lectures always end early. But when it comes to assignments, that’s where “Forever Missing Sleep” comes about. Of course, I haven’t gotten to that stage yet. But we do have constant tests and quizzes that we have to do well for as they are counted, and its really annoying. It really requires constant effort.

Another thing that requires commitment is none other than CCA. So yes, being so freaking lucky as I am, I got into the two CCAs I wanted. NRA, and ambassadors. Both are very different things, but both are things I wanted.

NRA was something I wanted for as long as I wanted to come to NP. I love dance. It’s my passion and my talent, and honestly I don’t go a day without thinking about it. It makes me feel alive when my body flows with the music. It’s one of the only things that make me feel confident being myself. I remember watching videos of NRA during NP50 and danzation last year. I thought “woah, they are so good.” and I want to be just like them. When I came into NP, I kept seeing people wearing the NRA shirt with pride and I thought, “That’ll be me one day.” I’ll be a family with those people doing what I love.

And then I have ambassadors. It’s something that only recently I set my mind on, but it’s something that I realised I want as badly. And I won’t deny, the main reason is because of you. You inspired me to join it. Hearing your stories about the family you love so much, the activities you like doing so much, the heart and passion you put into it, it made me want to try it out for myself. Also, I wanted to do for others what you did for me, which was inspiring me to come to NP. It's also a CCA that's more for myself, self-development and others. Honestly, I didn't think I would get in. Out of 800+ people that applied, I am one of the 58 that got in. It's crazily unbelievable. I didn't believe I had what it took, and I had really low confidence in myself. I really getting upset and disappointed after every round, and it was you who picked me up. I couldn't have done it without you and your support. You're the whole reason I got in. Getting in, things are going to change quite a bit for us. I really don't know what to expect, but I had been worrying before. I would have to keep away, be professional, and I was even afraid it would create distance between us. But right now, I really can't do anything by worrying, so I'm just gonna try. If you never try, you never know.

So many of people are wondering how I'm going to cope with two CCAs. Well, I'm wondering myself. I know my priorities are studies, and the people that are important to me. But I couldn't bear to give either one up. Maybe, just maybe, I can have the best of both worlds.

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Gone but still here

written on Friday, April 11, 2014 @ 4:32 AM ✈

"Funerals are more for the living, not for the dead."

Everyone who was alive on this planet once had a body, a mind, a spirit.

When they pass away, all that's left is ashes and bones.

Memories live on, but the touch is gone.

The purpose of funerals that follow after death also made me wonder.

Is it really to mourn the death of the deceased or is it to meet up and chat?

Some people treat a funeral for people to come together and yes, be depressed and talk about the deceased, but then move on and catch up on life.

A dead person doesn't stop the world. Life goes on, people move on.

Either way, it's for the living, not the dead.

It's for the living to remember that person, to miss that person, and move on knowing that that person is gone but will always be in our hearts.

Losing a loved one is always hard, especially if it comes unexpected. But I expected it, so why did it still hit me so hard? The thought of never ever being able to be there with that person again just hurts. Not being able to take care of her, not being able to hold her hand, not being able to smile while looking at her across the room. Gone, all gone. But I have no regrets. I spent what time I could spare with her, and I treated her sincerely and loved her with my heart.

Now everytime I see her, I'll die a little inside. I'll miss her. At the same time, I'll smile and know she's happy. Not worrying about me, because I'll live on well. It's what she'll want. She wants me to come home for dinner, and she wants me to keep warm. Each time, I will accept the fact that life not only goes on, but has to go on even better. Because she inspired me to. She'll always be watching over me, and she'll always be with me.

"When someone is gone, it doesn't mean that you stop loving them."